Is this the fizz you ordered?

The CIVC, the official body that represents Champagne worldwide, is taking Rachel Jayne Powell, aka @ChampagneJayne, to court in Melbourne for tarnishing the good name of Champagne. It points the finger at misleading / deceptive conduct in using the name Champagne Jayne while also promoting other sparkling wines. Quelle horreur. It also suggests that by using the name Champagne Jayne, she has presented herself as an approved representative of the Champagne industry. Quel chutzpah.

Concerned by this flagrant misrepresentation, the CIVC is believed to be about to embark on an investigation into similar instances of potential misrepresentation. Among others whose names may be under threat for their audacious promotion of wines other than Champagne are Champagne Warrior, who professes himself to be dedicated to helping others find the best in Champagne and sparkling wines, EdChampagne, for his love of Champagne and Italian wine and part time ambassador ChampagneChap who sells Champagne and Wine for a living.

Equally at risk are Champagne Taste, who, by mentioning the P-word in her Twitter handle, has had the poor taste to associate herself, with, whisper it quietly, Prosecco, and Miss Champagne, who also loves & tastes Champagne and all sparklers. Miss Champagne is not to be confused incidentally with Ms.Champagne, a Libra and music lover, or Miz Champagne, a self-confessed perfume freak and doubtless devotee of the now outlawed Yves St.Laurent Champagne, which those who did attempt to imbibe the contents soon realised was for dabbing behind the ears.

If the CIVC gets its way, all of us, even Champagne Socialist, can wave au revoir to the Champagne lifestyle, as predicted by The Champagne Mystic. The Champagne Diet which raises a toast to a full and fabulous lifestyle will no longer be permitted to promote ‘a Champagne Life’ any more than Champagne and Heels will be allowed to advertise shoes, Champagne & Chanel perfume, Forever Champagne lifestyle & fashion, Champagne Creative glamazons and swimming mermaids, Champers Charlie fast cars, Champagne and Parisi country clubs and waterfront real estate and Champagne and Qiviut, er, knitting.

Ab fab, Dahling

Michelle Champagne will have to stop beauty blogging while Champagne World, ChampieBabe, Sunshine & Champagne and denizens of ‪Champagneland will be forced to desist from attempting to bring you the finer things in life unless of course their promotional efforts are accompanied by copious quantities of Tesco’s Finest* Champagne.

It was thought that the CIVC might spare Champagne Escorts on the not unreasonable grounds that its services consisted of bubbly blondes, until, on further scrutiny, it appeared that not all the bubblies in question were Champagne, and by no means all blanc de blancs. Champagne Boys will also be scrutinised on not dissimilar grounds, as will, ça va sans le dire, @bosiechampagne, whose dalliance with, perish the thought, English sparkling wines, has gone down like a lead bulle in Reims.

Ace

No legal stone is to remain unturned when it comes to the music industry, where Champagne Jerry, Mz.Champagne Braxton, DJ Champagne, Champagne Champagne, Champagne Gang, Jampagne Champagne, Champagne Robii, Champagne Dahttie, champagne_ahki, Tonia Champagne, and Charlie Champagne are in danger of losing their moniker unless they get their kicks in future only from Champagne, and in particular Cattier’s Ace of Spades.

In the case of confusion between Champagne and other drinks, there will inevitably be a clampdown, and so we might as well say goodbye right now to Coffee & Champagne, Champagne In Teacups and Champagne&Macaroons. As for the dubious-sounding Champagne Benzedrine, enough said. Ditto Champagne Cult, Kendrick Champagnes and Park Lane Champagne, all of which have the nerve to link themselves to the Champagne name while brazenly selling other drinks too.

Liaisons Dangereuses

There will be some however who will cry foul at the CIVC’s tactics, claiming total justification in their use of the name Champagne for the simple reason that they were born a Champagne. Stand up Joanna M. Champagne, founder of Champagne Digital Lab, Jérôme Champagne, diplomat, essayist and FIFA presidential candidate, François-P Champagne, official candidate for the Parti Libéral du Canada, not forgetting Eloi Champagne, technical director at the NFB Animation Studio.

If by any chance you happen to be one of the many with Champagne in your Twitter handle or website name and you feel that your publicity opportunity has been unfairly ignored or overlooked by the CIVC, there's no need to despair. You can get in touch with its staff by contacting one of your local branches or completing the contact form at http://www.champagne.fr/en/contact-visit-us/contact-form.

The Party's Over